I Want to Save Myself for Marriage

When is the best time to tell guys I’m dating I want to save
sex for marriage? Is there a good time at all?

Dear Sexes: I grew up in a pretty religious household. I consider
myself pretty devout, and while I don’t necessarily feel like I need to marry
someone from my church, I have made the commitment to save sex for marriage. My
question is: when dating, how soon should I let a guy know about this? Too
soon, and it comes off as arrogant. Too late, and I feel like I’ve been dishonest
about my own intentions.

♦◊♦

She Said: First, congratulations on doing something that way too many people are incapable of doing—defining your sexuality and communicating your needs without trying to put others down. Nice work!

First, I’d say you need to suss out a guy’s moral or religious/spiritual stance early on. You don’t need to say it flat-out to get a sense of how he’ll respond, just ask him about his own
upbringing, ask him about his religion, or what virtues he holds most dear.
These are excellent first date questions for everyone, and you’ll get a sense
from his answers whether he’ll be receptive to your virginity outlook.

I would say, however, that if you can find a way to naturally fit your commitment to save it for marriage into a first or second-date conversation, you should. Not just because you don’t want
to “trick” a guy, but because you’re obviously looking for someone like-minded.
Otherwise, it’s probably a deal-breaker! Why waste time with someone you know
you won’t have a future with? You don’t have to agree with his sexuality or
sexual choices to be his friend!

♦◊♦

He Said: Maybe you don’t have to say anything. You can just make sure
to wear a chastity belt on your first dates! Seriously though, there’s nothing
arrogant about being honest. Your choice to save sex for marriage is exactly
that: your choice. And in that case, why wait to be honest about such an
important and integral choice? If you’re afraid that you won’t get a fair shake
in the dating scene by divulging this information on the first date, then I
suppose you can wait until the second date (or third date at the very latest)
to bring up the subject. But the sooner you talk about “it,” the sooner you’ll
know if the person you’re on a date with is really a possible match (or not).

Personally, I wouldn’t be upset if I was on a date with someone who was saving themselves for marriage. I would just be pissed if I they didn’t tell me until the fourth date (or so) and four
dinner bills into the game—I’m just not that rich. Though you’re saving
yourself for marriage, does that mean you’re abstaining from all physical
activity? Or are certain activities like kissing, touching, heavy petting, etc.
allowed? If some of those things are still in bounds, then maybe you can wait
an extra date before telling the person across the table from you. Regardless,
the sooner you have the talk, the better—for everyone.

*Contributed by The Good Men Project*

AJ RamseyArlene J RamseyEvery1letstalk.comNewark NJSave Self for MarriageThe Good Men Project